A Toothless Cat and Chicken Tights

I got home from work tonight following a slow drive through the first snowfall of the season. I was on the verge of super-grumpy when I looked through my mail and saw the Healthy Pet magazine the vet sends out quarterly. This was attached to the cover:

Needless to say my mood changed entirely. I would like someone to animate this toothless cat for me so I can make it say stuff.

After I laughed at the cat, I popped onto the internet to look up the menu of a local Brazilian restaurant. I saw this:

I lived in Brazil for a couple of years. Not once did I see a chicken in tights. Not one single time. And as far as I know I never ate any chicken tights either, fried or otherwise. I need to get back down there and check this out. My life would be complete if I could see a chicken in tights.


P.S. Meesha is one of the names of my cat who I just call KittyCat. She is a hand me down cat who has also been called Morrison. I wasn't sure how to spell Meesha so I let the girl at the vet decide. I kind of think she was wrong...

P.P.S. I should probably call the Brazilian restaurant and tell them about this... but I am not going to. It makes me too happy to know this is out there in cyberspace. And who knows, maybe it is correct.

The Galleria Has Whatever I Want...?

I don't know if it is because Charmin said they can't find the giant toilet paper roll or because the DJs on KTWIN were douchebags the other day, but I am feeling like being a giant pain in the ass to someone - I don't care who. Just someone who doesn't know me but who bugs me.

I have come up with a potential asshole plan for the weekend. There is a suburb in the Twin Cities called Edina. For those of you who are not familiar with Edina, Minnesota it pretty much looks like this:

 

and when Jeff and Travis, my ritzy gay friends who go there often to buy their ritzy shit, are there it looks like this:

 

 

In Edina there is a mall called the Galleria. It is subtitled shops of distinction.

 

On the Galleria website they make this claim: "Whatever you want, whatever your style, you'll find it at Galleria. We offer the perfect blend of shops from national favorites to local boutiques, plus great restaurants and exquisite art collections."

 

Tomorrow afternoon, wearing my best Sears and Roebuck sweatshirt, I may test that claim. I would love to go there in search of a mauve Winnie the Pooh poly blend sweatshirt, size XXL. I want to go into every store and ask if they have one. Then if when I don't leave the Galleria wearing a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt I will talk to a lawyer about suing them for false advertising.

 

Yay. I feel better already.

 

I really do not want a mauve Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt by the way. It is just to test their claim. However, if I do find one there I will wear it often and tell people I shop the Galleria!

 

 

Charmin Disappointed Me

I don't think Shoranne and her team looked very hard. I got farther than they did just with a two minute visit to Guinness Book of World Records' website.*

This came today:

Thanks for your patience Cami.

I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but we do not have any information on where the
Guinness Book of World Records’ largest toilet roll is.

Thanks again for writing.

Shoranne S.
Charmin Team

I believe that is pure bullshit. I do suppose they have very important customer service inquiries to deal with, things much more pressing than my inquiry about the giant roll - maybe things like why bears who never wear clothes have laundry to do....  But that email has to be bullshit. Someone certainly knows where it is.

Should I write back and say I am part of a community of giants in need of a toilet paper supplier? I think they'd look harder if they thought there might be a profit.


*Will someone please click that link and, after getting heebie jeebied by the whacky eyeball lady and the folded in half lady, tell me what the hell the person wrapped in colorful cord is all about? Thank you.

Largest Toilet Roll Update

The people at Charmin got back to me quickly! I heard from someone named Shoranne within 24 hours of my inquiry. (Shoranne probably isn't really named Shoranne. She probably got to make that up when she started work there so if she pisses someone off they can't find her and kill her dog.)

Thanks for contacting Charmin, Cami.

We really appreciate the time you've taken to inquire about  the Guinness Book
of World Record's largest toilet roll.  Unfortunately we don't have the
information you requested, but we’re forwarding your email to have it researched
by others in our company who may have an answer. If we're able to get a
response, we'll be back in touch.

Thanks again for contacting us.

Shoranne S.
Charmin Team

I wonder why she makes it seem like there is a chance they won't get a response. Someone somewhere has to know what happened to it, right? First of all, it's the WORLD'S LARGEST TOILET ROLL! How could that go missing? And second, they shouldn't really mention it on their website if no one can find it now. They need to find it.

If I don't hear back in a week I am going to start calling the Ripley's museums. Now I am doubly obsessed...

A Little Rant About Radio DJs

I am finally going to say it: Someone needs to tell radio DJs to shut the fuck up unless they are talking about music. I guess I have actually said it many times but now I have typed it! I am permanently putting it on record that I think: Someone needs to tell radio DJs to shut the fuck up unless they are talking about music.

I appreciate knowing about the artists, the concerts, the history of a song - even the opinion of the DJ about the song. But when it comes to things unrelated to music, I prefer that they shut the fuck up. This pertains to all sorts of topics including marriage, infidelity, how to raise children, what's appropriate and what's not when it comes to body hair, how much money a person should spend on a Valentine's day present, how much sex is too much sex, working moms vs. stay at home moms....and so on and so on.  Today the topic was Mindy McCready's suicide.

Mindy McCready has died by her own hand. Awful news. But that's all it is. Awful news. THE END.

No more on air analyzing of her "decision" to die.
No more saying she is a horrible mother for leaving her children.
No more calling her crazy.
No more inviting listeners to call in to talk about her.
.... and so on and so on.

Here is what 96.3 KTWIN* asked this morning on the Cane & Co. Listener Slant for Tuesday: Sympathy or Anger? How do you feel about Mindy McCready’s suicide? She is survived by her two young sons... one is six years old and the other 10 MONTHS old.  Bias unintended I am sure.

I didn't call in because I was driving but here is what I would have said:

You are radio DJs. Disc Jockeys. Music slingers. Entertainers. Not mental health professionals. Not therapists. You are not qualified to lead a discussion on a sensitive topic that touches the lives of so many people in horrific ways.  You would not discuss the ethics of dying of cancer. Do not do this with suicide either. You have a lot of listeners and a lot of power. Why not take the opportunity to educate and help erase the stigma of mental illness instead? If you can't do that then please just shut the fuck up unless you are talking about music. (or the traffic and weather, that's OK. But nothing else. Wait, maybe chickens and goats too. But that's it. Nothing else.)

P.S. www.save.org   --  www.makeitok.org



*This is the facebook version of the question of the day.  The all caps in MONTH is theirs. I sort of got into an argument with them on facebook today about this question - but I was much more polite than I am being here.

*Just in case someone from KTWIN reads this and gets pissed off I should mention that not ALL of the comments on the show about Mindy McCready's suicide were negative. But much of what I heard was very negative and I am only picking on them because they happened to be the station I stayed on - many stations have aired the same sort of discussion.

I May Be a Little Obsessed With Charmin

Because I am apparently obsessed with toilet paper, I have been spending some time at Charmin's website. I have this to say about what I learned:

Starting in 1964, for 20 years and 500 commercials, Mr. Whipple said, "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin!"  No wonder that's the only other Charmin campaign I could recall.  (By the way, his real name was Dick Wilson - he died in 2007.)

  

According to the site, in 1978 he was named the third-best-known American - just behind former president Nixon and Billy Graham. Which would make Billy Graham the second most recognizable American in 1978.  No way. What about Darth Vader? Wait, I guess he wasn't American. What about Farrah Fawcett?  Wait, it was 1978 and she probably didn't count since she's a woman.  What about Fat Albert? Oh yeah... cartoon. Maybe it really was Billy Graham.  Ew.  No wonder third grade sucked for me.

Also, just like Vanna White, Charmin made it's way into the Guinness Book of World Records. They hold the record for Largest Toilet Roll: 4,000 pounds, 8.5 feet tall, over 1,000,000 square feet of Charmin toilet paper. I am going to email Charmin and ask them what they did with it.

I just sent this to Charmin:

I was looking through your website and have a random question.

Could someone tell me what became of the Guinness Book of World

Record's largest toilet roll?
Thank you for your time, Cami

Charmin sent me this:

Thanks for submitting your email!

We appreciate the time you’ve taken to get in touch with us 

– a member of our team will get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks for visiting our site!

But I already know the answer because I just looked it up on the Guinness World Record site. They say it was going to go to the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum.  I guess this has now become a test of the Charmin customer service department's speed and knowledge. I'll keep you posted!

 

Keep Your Undies Clean - More About Toilet Paper Ads

The agencies responsible for toilet paper ads must be doing a great job because their ads always grab my attention. Or maybe it's just because I am surrounded by kids and much of my time is dedicated to discussions about poop and pee and wiping and itchy, stinky bottoms.... Whatever the reason, toilet paper ads stick with me. I think I might use these two ads as educational tools at work. There have been a couple of undies issues lately...  

 



 

 

 

But because kids are smart and don't miss a thing (except that a human being gave birth to a mouse in Stuart Little) I sense there might be a few questions and the message may get lost. 

 

Cami, why are those underwear so little? They would never fit that bear's big butt.

Why do the bears have clothes that they wash when they are always naked?

Do bears wipe their butts for real?

Are there really bears that do wear underwear?

Do bears have toilets and bathrooms?

If we can just wash my underwear in the washer why do I have to wipe carefully?

 

Here are my answers by the way:

You'll have to ask the ad people about the underwear size. I'm sure there is a well-researched reason.

You'll have to ask the ad people about the nudity, too. While you're at it, ask them if they know why Little Bear is always naked when his parents are clothed:

 

 



I have never seen a real bear in underwear but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Same goes for bear bathrooms and wiping, but generally bears just shit in the woods and do not wipe.

You need to wipe well so you don't get an itchy butt and so that you don't smell like poop when you're climbing all over me. (which, again is what I wish the ads really said.)

 

 

I also want to mention that Charmin has a facebook page and they have posted things that I wish they would use in their TV ads: January 28 -Just because today can be craptastic, doesn't mean your toilet paper has to be. Happy Monday.  February 5 - Use less doesn't mean useless.

 

 



Wheel Liars

I watch Wheel of Fortune quite a bit and have since my Gramma got me hooked in the 80s. I like it but I've been patiently waiting for the day someone says to Pat Sajak, "Yes, that's right Pat, I am married. I've been married to my asswad of a husband for ten miserable years and we have three ungrateful shitty kids." Not one person has ever said anything like that and I find it hard to believe they are all as happy as they claim to be. Some of them must be liars. I might try to get on the show just to say something like that.

Also, here is a fun fact: In 1992 Vanna White was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as Television's Most Frequent Clapper.


And here is a quick question: Was I being hit on if a man in his fifties looked right at me when he was walking by whistling the tune to Flo Rida's Blow My Whistle Baby in the parking lot?

Secrets of a Tender MEATBALL

I was looking over the shoulder of a man at a coffee house today as he was reading the Star Tribune.  On the page he was looking at was this headline:

Yes, I snapped a picture. No, I didn't ask permission. Yes, that might seem rude. No, I don't care. I didn't want to be so rude as to hover him and read the article so I do not know what the meatball secrets are. But I did think all day about what they might be.

I figure the biggest secrets they keep are actually lies they tell the younger meatballs. I bet when younger meatballs ask where baby meatballs come from, they say a stork. What meatball wants to tell their youth that they come from a dead farm animal who meets a meat grinder and an Italian cook? They keep that a secret. And when the little ones ask what happens in the dining room, I doubt they mention being eaten and slowly turning into poop. They probably make up some story about long lost pets and heaven.

They probably secretly hate the 'On Top of Spaghetti' song too.

Children's TV and Comfort Drugs

You do not need to watch this entire video to understand why I am worried about children becoming adults who reach for LSD to bring back the comforts of their childhood.

Kids, don't let anybody fool you. Drug induced comfort is not really comfort. Remember that.

A Good Ol' South Dakota Christmas

I came across this in the Sioux Falls Argus Leader when I was back home for Christmas a couple of years ago.

 

 

No one seriously injured. No one arrested. No one identified. They were probably drinking.

But it was news. Just more evidence for the haters that South Dakota is, indeed, all about hicks and rednecks. Which it is NOT. In fact here are some direct quotes from the Urban Dictionary's South Dakota entry to prove it.

 

South Dakota: A state that isn't half as bad as people make it sound. Sure they have their rednecks but that only fills a eleventh of the state's popularity.

(See? Only a eleventh of the state's popularity is redneck)

 

South Dakota isn't what everyone thinks it is. I mean, sure, we have our rednecks and our crazy people.. but thats not what makes our state.

(See? The rednecks and crazy people don't make the state.)

 

fuck you all!!! south dakota is awesome!! you wouldn't know unless you lived there, and i live there!! no we are not just a bunch of fat farmers, we actually have a life and do have modern day things like any other state. so shut the fuck up!!! you don't know south dakota

SD may have a small population, but kiss my ass

(See? Fuck you! South Dakota is awesome! And has modern day things... like knives... for Christmas Eve celebrations.)

 

Just so you know - I grew up in South Dakota and we never ever celebrated Christmas with knife fights at our house. Although we were probably drunk.

Nothing's sexier than a big foot brace.

I've been having some heel pain lately. I hear that a night brace can help ease the pain.

I just did a google image search to see what they look like.

I think I'll go with this one because apparently it's also a sex boot. I didn't see the name of it but I am guessing that it is called "The Horny-Making Plantar Fasciitis Night Support Brace"

Truthful toilet paper ads are better.

Today a nice woman on the TV said to me, "Bottom line. If you don't feel good when you leave the bathroom, you've got the wrong toilet paper. "

I thought about that for a moment and decided she was wrong.  Usually when I am uncomfortable or don't feel good leaving the bathroom it has nothing to do with toilet paper.

For me she should be saying one of the following:
"Bottom line. If you don't feel good when you leave the bathroom, eat more fiber."
"Bottom line. If you don't feel good when you leave the bathroom, stop using those gigantic maxi pads."
"Bottom line. If you don't feel good when when you leave the bathroom, don't poop in public."
"Bottom line. If you don't feel good when when you leave the bathroom, don't drink so many Bloody Marys."

If toilet paper truly is the issue then she should say what she means:
"Bottom line. If your butt is itchy, dirty or raw when you leave the bathroom, then you've got the wrong toilet paper."

I would totally buy toilet paper with that in its ads. I bet my dad would too.