I am reading Charlotte's Web with James, the Kindergartner, at work. He wants to read Stuart Little next - the one about the family who has a mouse for a son. I am fine reading Charlotte's Web even though it makes me cry but I don't want to read Stuart Little. Stuart Little freaks me out.
This is why:
"When Mrs. Frederick C. Little's second son arrived, everybody noticed that he was not much bigger than a mouse. The truth of the matter was that the baby looked very much like a mouse in every way." They take the mouse home, make it a teeny little bed and after a month decide to consult a doctor who is "delighted with Stuart" and says it is "very unusual for an American family to have a mouse." (unusual only for Americans?) He determines that everything seems to be all right and leaves.
Human family. Mouse baby. Whackjob doctor. See the problem?
Even when I was a kid this story gave me the heebie jeebies. I mean what the hell is the back story here? No one ever discusses the fact that this woman gives birth to a mouse. I didn't know a lot about vaginas* when I was six but I knew babies came out of vaginas and I knew I had a vagina and I definitely knew that I NEVER wanted a mouse to come out of mine. Stuart Little came out of Mrs. Little's VAGINA and it freaked me out then and it freaks me out now. I will not read this book to James.
I can't help but want to add the words 'the mouse that came out of a human vagina' after Stuart's name.
So Stuart, the mouse that came out of a human vagina, slipped into his old pants and prepared to go down the drain.
"Oh my brave little son," said Mrs. Little proudly as she kissed Stuart, the mouse that came out of her human vagina, and thanked him.
I do not know one woman who would not say "what the fuck!?" if she gave birth to a rodent. Not one. And maybe I am too much of a feminist, but I do not think any woman should go on her merry way after a male doctor declares that although mice being born to humans is unusual, everything seemed all right. I don't even think it would be an option to accept that. I, myself, would have a nervous breakdown. I'm almost having one right now just imagining a mouse coming out of my vagina.
I am against censorship but I really wish someone would have censored this book a long time ago.
*spellcheck is telling me the plural of vagina is vaginae. But I disagree so I am not changing it.
Kids, I will not apologize for the word vagina appearing in this post. You can call on the ghost of E.B. White for that. He wrote the book, not me. It's his fault.