My Cleavage Looks Like a Butt

Thirteen years ago when I was little Maggie's nanny she wanted to read a story on the couch. She had her book in one hand and with the other she grabbed the collar of my sweatshirt to pull herself up onto my lap. One second later the book was in the air and Maggie had jumped back onto the floor. Her pudgy little arms were flailing and she was trying to catch her breath. She pointed at my chest nearly in tears and screamed, "There's a BOTTOM in there!" In her mind, my soft comfortable lap and chest had just become the place where I hid small children upside down and naked. It scared the hell out of her. I explained that those were my boobs and all women had them, which she doubted because her "mommy didn't have those."  We talked about different body shapes and sizes and eventually she calmed down and felt safe enough to get back on my lap and we read our book.

A few days ago my boobs were mistaken for a butt again, this time by two year old Tommy. He was doing exactly what Maggie had done and was using my shirt as a hand hold for climbing up onto my lap. His reaction was one of curiousity, however. He did not panic like Maggie.  He stuck his hand down my shirt, looked at me and said "potty?" I said, "no, not potty. Breasts." He said "beshts" and then put his hand by my butt and said, "potty." I said, "Yep." and that was that. Boys are easier - at least when it comes to boob education.


I wasn't going to put pictures of cleavage on here - you all know what it looks like. And I also do not want this blog to be known as a porn blog.  Then I realized that it already may be showing up on searches for words like vagina, vulva, penis, gay Travis and boobs - and I already have a picture of cleavage from the bra post so I thought, what the hell. Too late now. So here you go: some cleavage that looks like butts.

 

 

Neither set of boobs is mine.

A Penis in the Women's Bathroom

 

I snapped this picture in a women's bathroom at a Super America near the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul.  It was written on the pad/tampon dispenser.

 

 

 

 

It looks like someone may have interrupted the initial thoughts of the penis owner and added the words do with it. What they should have added was and do not belong in the women's bathroom.

 

Vaginal Vocabulary Issue

Why is it so hard for us to call a vulva a vulva? When discussing genitals we say men have penises and women have vaginas.  This is fine when we are talking about sexual intercourse because the penis goes into the vagina. It is also fine when we are discussing tampon or diaphragm placement since a tampon goes into the vagina as does a diaphragm. But when we are not talking about the vagina we should not say vagina.

Little kids are not asking about the vagina when they ask what girls have. They want to know what the stuff they can see is called. And that is called the vulva. When a little girl only knows the word vagina, that is the word she will always use. For instance, I've heard this: "OUCH! He just kicked me in the vagina!" It would be very very difficult to be kicked in the vagina. She was complaining about being kicked in the vulva. The way I see it, the only way to be kicked in the vagina is to give birth to a very active baby.

And when a little girl grows up only knowing to call it all her vagina, that is what she will continue to say. I once heard an adult woman say, "The crotch on this underwear is too small. I can see my vagina." You'd have to be doing some serious up close inspection of your underwear to see your vagina and even then you really can't see your own vagina unless you're a stellar acrobat doing a little digging or holding a mirror and using gynecological instruments. What she was seeing was her vulva peeking out the sides of her underwear.

For people who may have no idea what I am talking about (...Gay Travis...) I will briefly explain a couple of things: the vagina is the tunnel that connects the outside to the inside, the uterus is the inside where babies grow and the vulva is the outside - there are lots of smaller components to it but I will allow you to do your own research for details. I am not, however, going to suggest any google search terms because I do not want to be responsible for anyone arriving at a porn site.

By the way, I once discussed this with a medical professional/feminist friend and we decided that the problem may be that our society needs a male version of the word. I hereby officially rename the penis the vulvo.

 

 



 

An Open Letter to Gay Travis

Dear Gay Travis,

The other day you forwarded me a link to a Crowd Cut coupon for "Strapless Mango V Push-Up Bras in Black or Nude."

I understand that during the 30+ years that you have lived on this planet you probably have not given much thought to boobs beyond their original purpose of providing sustenance to infants or for use as a comfy pillow. And I am quite certain the topic of bras rarely comes up in your thoughts or conversations. So I feel like a super short boobie/bra education is in order for you to understand why I will not be purchasing this deal.

Bras come in what we call 'cup sizes' because bras are like two coffee cups that are held together by elastic straps that secure it to the body, or in the case of the above V-Push-up bra, are held together by a tiny clip and glued to the skin.

The cup sizes are labeled with letters of the alphabet starting with A because apple starts with A and boobs are kind of like apples. There is also AA which is smaller than A and AAA which is smaller yet. Then there is B and C which do not come in doubles and triples. Bra makers saw a future filled with ever increasing sized breasts so in fear of eventually running out of letters of the alphabet they moved to a system of doubling letters as the size increased. So after C we have D, DD and DDD followed by E, EE and EEE, followed by F, FF and FFF and so on and so on.

There is some confusion surrounding the different meanings of doubles and triples found in bra sizing since in all cases except for A, the doubles and triples indicate a move up in size. But the bra makers had good reason to allow the confusion to exist. Having already started with A, upon realizing they needed to create a smaller size, they had to make a decision about what to call that smaller size. They foresaw difficulties in marketing the obvious solution of creating a -A size since 'negative' could indicate a concave breast. They went with doubling and tripling the letter instead and it does not appear that bra industry has suffered because of it.

As the breast and cup size increase, the weight of each individual breast goes up accordingly. The bra's purpose is to hold boobs high and motionless and, in the process, be comfortable. The result becomes a necessary increase in the amount of supportive material such as strong elastics, polyesters and metal wires needed in bra design and production as the size climbs the alphabet.

Probably because there is no room for a yard of fabric and elastic in its design, this bra you sent me does not come in any cup size larger than a D. According to a Redbook magazine article with "fun bra facts", the average cup size in the United States is a C. Being a larger than average woman with larger than average size breasts makes it impossible for me to use this bra. In conversations with other women, even those with average or below average sized breasts, I have found that there is considerable doubt as to the ability of this type of bra to do its job well. Its potential for comfort has also been called into question.

There you have it. A brief, potentially incorrect education about boobs and bras.

If you happen to find a Crowd Cut deal for a bra like this please send it my way.

Love, Cami

P.S. There are also XXX bras - but the Xs have nothing to do with size.

That Mouse Came Out of WHERE?

I am reading Charlotte's Web with James, the Kindergartner, at work. He wants to read Stuart Little next - the one about the family who has a mouse for a son. I am fine reading Charlotte's Web even though it makes me cry but I don't want to read Stuart Little. Stuart Little freaks me out.

This is why:

"When Mrs. Frederick C. Little's second son arrived, everybody noticed that he was not much bigger than a mouse. The truth of the matter was that the baby looked very much like a mouse in every way." They take the mouse home, make it a teeny little bed and after a month decide to consult a doctor who is "delighted with Stuart" and says it is "very unusual for an American family to have a mouse." (unusual only for Americans?) He determines that everything seems to be all right and leaves.

Human family. Mouse baby. Whackjob doctor. See the problem?

Even when I was a kid this story gave me the heebie jeebies. I mean what the hell is the back story here? No one ever discusses the fact that this woman gives birth to a mouse. I didn't know a lot about vaginas* when I was six but I knew babies came out of vaginas and I knew I had a vagina and I definitely knew that I NEVER wanted a mouse to come out of mine. Stuart Little came out of Mrs. Little's VAGINA and it freaked me out then and it freaks me out now. I will not read this book to James.

I can't help but want to add the words 'the mouse that came out of a human vagina' after Stuart's name.
So Stuart, the mouse that came out of a human vagina, slipped into his old pants and prepared to go down the drain.
"Oh my brave little son," said Mrs. Little proudly as she kissed Stuart, the mouse that came out of her human vagina, and thanked him.

I do not know one woman who would not say "what the fuck!?" if she gave birth to a rodent. Not one. And maybe I am too much of a feminist, but I do not think any woman should go on her merry way after a male doctor declares that although mice being born to humans is unusual, everything seemed all right. I don't even think it would be an option to accept that. I, myself, would have a nervous breakdown. I'm almost having one right now just imagining a mouse coming out of my vagina.

I am against censorship but I really wish someone would have censored this book a long time ago.


*spellcheck is telling me the plural of vagina is vaginae. But I disagree so I am not changing it.


Kids, I will not apologize for the word vagina appearing in this post. You can call on the ghost of E.B. White for that. He wrote the book, not me. It's his fault.

Nothing's sexier than a big foot brace.

I've been having some heel pain lately. I hear that a night brace can help ease the pain.

I just did a google image search to see what they look like.

I think I'll go with this one because apparently it's also a sex boot. I didn't see the name of it but I am guessing that it is called "The Horny-Making Plantar Fasciitis Night Support Brace"