Superhero Friends With Laser Guns

With all of this mention of Travis and Jeff, you may be wondering what they look like. They have approved only one photo for blog posting. I think they are trying to keep their identities a secret because they have superhero abilities.

 

 

Travis and Jeff: Superheroes.

 

Here they are investigating something outside of my window - ready to use their laser guns disguised as Prada shoes to battle any and all bad guys who might be climbing up the side of the building. (yes, I said laser guns...that's the only explanation I have for their $300 Prada flip flops... they are special super secret Prada laser guns issued to gay superheroes. I bet their tailor, Antoine, puts secret things in their clothes too - like invisibility powders and freeze ray generators and fireball slingers.)

More Than One Gay Travis

Out of curiosity I googled "gay travis" - partly to see if my blog came up and partly to see if there were any interesting sites about gay Travis.  My blog did not appear on the list but I was amused with the results.

He has his own Urban Dictionary entry!

This is not my Gay Travis. But they share a name.

No wonder these 'White boyz' can afford such fancy shit!

 I sent this to Travis and Jeff. 

I needed to let them know I found out about their secret porn life.

(Also, I did not click on the link. I don't need to see that.)

An Open Letter to Gay Travis

Dear Gay Travis,

The other day you forwarded me a link to a Crowd Cut coupon for "Strapless Mango V Push-Up Bras in Black or Nude."

I understand that during the 30+ years that you have lived on this planet you probably have not given much thought to boobs beyond their original purpose of providing sustenance to infants or for use as a comfy pillow. And I am quite certain the topic of bras rarely comes up in your thoughts or conversations. So I feel like a super short boobie/bra education is in order for you to understand why I will not be purchasing this deal.

Bras come in what we call 'cup sizes' because bras are like two coffee cups that are held together by elastic straps that secure it to the body, or in the case of the above V-Push-up bra, are held together by a tiny clip and glued to the skin.

The cup sizes are labeled with letters of the alphabet starting with A because apple starts with A and boobs are kind of like apples. There is also AA which is smaller than A and AAA which is smaller yet. Then there is B and C which do not come in doubles and triples. Bra makers saw a future filled with ever increasing sized breasts so in fear of eventually running out of letters of the alphabet they moved to a system of doubling letters as the size increased. So after C we have D, DD and DDD followed by E, EE and EEE, followed by F, FF and FFF and so on and so on.

There is some confusion surrounding the different meanings of doubles and triples found in bra sizing since in all cases except for A, the doubles and triples indicate a move up in size. But the bra makers had good reason to allow the confusion to exist. Having already started with A, upon realizing they needed to create a smaller size, they had to make a decision about what to call that smaller size. They foresaw difficulties in marketing the obvious solution of creating a -A size since 'negative' could indicate a concave breast. They went with doubling and tripling the letter instead and it does not appear that bra industry has suffered because of it.

As the breast and cup size increase, the weight of each individual breast goes up accordingly. The bra's purpose is to hold boobs high and motionless and, in the process, be comfortable. The result becomes a necessary increase in the amount of supportive material such as strong elastics, polyesters and metal wires needed in bra design and production as the size climbs the alphabet.

Probably because there is no room for a yard of fabric and elastic in its design, this bra you sent me does not come in any cup size larger than a D. According to a Redbook magazine article with "fun bra facts", the average cup size in the United States is a C. Being a larger than average woman with larger than average size breasts makes it impossible for me to use this bra. In conversations with other women, even those with average or below average sized breasts, I have found that there is considerable doubt as to the ability of this type of bra to do its job well. Its potential for comfort has also been called into question.

There you have it. A brief, potentially incorrect education about boobs and bras.

If you happen to find a Crowd Cut deal for a bra like this please send it my way.

Love, Cami

P.S. There are also XXX bras - but the Xs have nothing to do with size.

The Galleria Has Whatever I Want...?

I don't know if it is because Charmin said they can't find the giant toilet paper roll or because the DJs on KTWIN were douchebags the other day, but I am feeling like being a giant pain in the ass to someone - I don't care who. Just someone who doesn't know me but who bugs me.

I have come up with a potential asshole plan for the weekend. There is a suburb in the Twin Cities called Edina. For those of you who are not familiar with Edina, Minnesota it pretty much looks like this:

 

and when Jeff and Travis, my ritzy gay friends who go there often to buy their ritzy shit, are there it looks like this:

 

 

In Edina there is a mall called the Galleria. It is subtitled shops of distinction.

 

On the Galleria website they make this claim: "Whatever you want, whatever your style, you'll find it at Galleria. We offer the perfect blend of shops from national favorites to local boutiques, plus great restaurants and exquisite art collections."

 

Tomorrow afternoon, wearing my best Sears and Roebuck sweatshirt, I may test that claim. I would love to go there in search of a mauve Winnie the Pooh poly blend sweatshirt, size XXL. I want to go into every store and ask if they have one. Then if when I don't leave the Galleria wearing a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt I will talk to a lawyer about suing them for false advertising.

 

Yay. I feel better already.

 

I really do not want a mauve Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt by the way. It is just to test their claim. However, if I do find one there I will wear it often and tell people I shop the Galleria!

 

 

Gays Wearing Prada Get Fancier Cakes.

Remember my birthday cake? The one I posted a couple of days ago that was made for me by Travis in 2009? If not, here it is - with its four letters and three candles:

Here is the cake Travis got Jeff yesterday:

 

 

The candles opened up like a flower blooming and then spun around playing Happy Birthday! Let me repeat that. The candles were spinning. Spinning and making music! Well, here. Take a look.

 

 

 

I guess that's what you get when you wear Prada flip flops and have a tailor named Antoine. 

Not All Gay Men Are Artistic (but some really do have tailors named Antoine.)

I don't have a husband or a brother so I make up for that by having a gay couple as part of my inner circle of friends. (for non sex related needs by the way. Not that I would have sex with my brother if I had one, sex would only be with the husband... I'm sure you got that without my explanation but there it is. Just in case.) Jeff and Travis carry heavy things for me, they build things for me and they listen to me whine over a Bloody Mary when I'm lonely or stressed. They help me when I need to negotiate at the VW dealership or when a mechanic is trying to screw me. (in non sex related ways by the way - if a hot mechanic is trying to screw me in sex related ways they whip out their pompoms and cheer.*) They show up at my art shows, listen to me ramble about cute kids and help me when I have family emergencies.  They even make me beautiful birthday cakes:

Not all gay men are artistic.

My 2009 birthday cake: handmade and decorated by Travis.

(Happy Birthday Cami Applequist was too many letters.)

Jeff is having a birthday tomorrow. Although I love him dearly, I usually don't get him a gift for his birthday. Nor do I for Travis since they both tend to like things out way of my price range. They drive a BMW, own tuxedos tailored and delivered by a man named Antoine** and wear Prada flip flops. (Even though I saw these in real life and have photographic proof, I still didn't believe it so that's a link to Saks with cyber proof.) I simply never know what to get them that would be within my budget of $25 so I just give them hugs.

This year, facebook and their affiliates tried to change that. I received several suggestions of what Jeff might like. Here are a couple of screenshots:

Shoelaces for Trendsetters and Beermo! 

"Let Jeff Choose a Color"

Jeff is definitely sort of a trendsetter, he loves to choose colors and he may want to never tie his shoes again but I still don't think the laces are for him. (unless they come in Prada, in which case I probably can't afford them anyway, so never mind.) He also may want to put down his mimosa and have a good ol' bottle of Bud Light sporting a mustache now and again but twelve dollars for something I can make for fifteen cents seems unreasonable. So, sorry facebook. Your advertising efforts failed with me, but thanks for the blog material.

I did almost buy something for him today though. I saw this from about 10 feet away and thought, 'Now there's a game Jeff and Travis might like to play: Butt Checkers!'



 Then an instant later I realized that it says Button Checkers. Totally not as fun. So Jeff gets a hug again.



*Travis and Jeff don't really have pompoms. None that I have seen anyway.

** That had to be in italics. I just learned this morning at breakfast that that their tuxedo tailor's name is Antoine  when Travis said "We have to get home soon - Antoine is delivering my tuxedo today." I repeated it several times in an italicized voice. "...because Antoine is delivering my tuxedo today." You can't just say Antoine. You have to say Antoine.