My obituary almost started like this:
Cami Rae Applequist of Sioux Falls died on Saturday July 11, 1981*at home on the kitchen floor. Her death was caused by head injuries sustained in a fall which was the result of an accidental self inflicted blow to the face with a small yellow frying pan.....
Yeah - that's right. I smashed myself in the face with a frying pan when I was 11. It was hot. I was sweaty and uncomfortable. I tried to fan myself with a frying pan while I unloaded the dishwasher. I am lucky to be alive.
Later that same summer I discovered that the damn pan was actually trying to kill me. I used it to fry an egg one morning and as I reached to pull it off of the stove, I somehow managed to grab the hot pan instead of the handle. I only managed to survive because I was thinking fast and threw the pan into the air. It landed face down on the floor leaving a perfect circle of melted brown and gold linoleum as a reminder of its power and desire to kill me.
Yeah - that's right. It was the pan's fault not mine. The pan wanted to kill me. It didn't though. I am still alive and well. I may have a chipped chin bone, a scarred hand and an aversion to cooking, but I am not dead.
*This date is not necessarily the date on which the frying pan face bashing actually took place. All I know is that it was really damn hot and July is usually unbearably hot in South Dakota so I randomly chose a July date. I do know for a fact that I am not lying when I say July 11, 1981 was a Saturday, however. I looked that up.